Refreshed By Joy

It's been a while.

Slowly but surely over the past few weeks, I started to feel better. It is not that I have been physically ill, although at times I felt that way. Instead, I was emotionally drained. Maybe it was my move to this city? Maybe the weather is to blame? Yes, I am sure sensual shock also played a role. I've been exhausted. And I've been running from refreshment, trying to do life on my own.

Like every runner, we all need a break. We reach a point where we cannot run any further or any longer. Sunday was my tipping point. I needed refreshing. I needed to stop doing things on my own and to start spending time with Jesus! Exhausted from my interactions with the world, I realized I lacked true joy and compassion. This is a dramatic shift for me. These qualities usually abound in my interactions with others. I felt even as if the light disappeared from my eyes as well. I lived exhausted. However dry this season of my life, Jesus promised I did not have to be thirsty. Sunday, I decided to stand on His word. Today, I know I've been washed by the water.

The joy has returned. I started to notice sadness on people's faces today during my metro ride. I remembered how important it was for me to be a light, to be joyful amidst all the hurt, pain, and suffering occurring in the world. Pastor Allen Hood says that, "the same suffering sends some people to heaven and others to hell. If we trust the process, we will gain an inheritance greater than gold." I love that. I can be joyful in my surroundings. I want the process of refinement to make me like Christ. I want it to take me to heaven. I want it to inspire others to come with me.

Finances

All my life, I have seen God move in my finances. However, at no other time in my life have I seen the Lord move so much on my behalf. This year alone, the Lord provided for Mikhail and I's wedding- including lots of last minutes, He gave us an apartment, He furnished our apartment, He paid my bills, He taught us the value of saving money, and He made a way for me to get paid while I get my PhD., so much that the degree will pay for itself. Now I have seen the Lord move before, but this year, I watched Him use cash. He's blessed us to do all of these things and more, and we did so with cash. To say that I am in awe of His provision is an understatement.

My PhD.

I am not sure how many people respond to God's call on their life. I try to obey, even after a few stubborn moments or days of disobedience. God is a crazy God. He asks us to do the seemingly impossible all the time. Looking back over my life, I just never thought I would be here. However today, I know for certain, I am living my dream. Like Moses, I do not sound the most intelligent. It is difficult for me to articulate my thoughts. In fact, I don't write that well. I struggle to understand the fundamentals of the research process. All of this makes me doubt my calling to academia. However, like Moses I need Jesus to accomplish my purpose. It is the Lord who grants wisdom. He helps me to reason. My driving passions are His. And so, this fall I begin my PhD. program. The highest degree in the world. I take this leap of faith. I believe that the Lord thinks I will be a great professor one day. I believe academia is my mission field. I believe I have a purose in academia, bigger than research, teaching, and theory. If believe the Lord did not call me out here to fail. As I used to say, "The Lord does not call you into the desert, only to take away your camel." Therefore, if there was not a great purpose for me, I believe I would not be here.

It is not just my doubt and inabilities the Lord had to deal with, He provided financially too. I will get paid to teach while I attend school. Because the Lord taught me earlier this year to be a saver, the money was there when I needed it. As a result, I will be able to teach and go to school full time, and my husband and I will not even notice the pay cut. How awesome is it to serve a God like this? I mean I am in awe of Jesus. I keep thinking, "How is this even possible? How?!"

"I can do all things through Christ Jesus, who gives me strength."

The life I am living is only possible through God. That is what makes this experience so cool. I could not have done this on my own. I could not have made this happen. God did. This is awe-inspiring, becuase I am the girl who thinks she can do anything. So when the Lord surprises me, just to surprise me, just to make me excited, just because He loves me, just because He believes in me, yes I stand amazed. Sometimes I cannot move. But I am filled with joy. He called me for His purpose. He says, "This one is mine." Well, that is just holy and beautiful. I believe I can do anything with Jesus. The last 6 months in DC taught me sure enough, I cannot do anything without Him. All of a sudden, I joy flows in abundance.

Joy & Purpose

I think my culture shock has lifted. While I am not used to the weather, while I do not know my surroundings, while I do not have a huge community here, I feel great again. I am thankful for who I am and for the people in my life who invest in me and love me, even at my worst. Maybe my joy returned upon the realization that my time outside academia is ending. Maybe it returned because I have adjusted. Whatever the reason, I thank the Lord for giving me such a sense of purpose in my life. Here I am, walking where He called me, trusting him with my life, my husband's life, our marriage, that my book will sell, for article publications and tenure, and a whole host of other things. And I know one thing, God will make a way for me. Where He calls us, He makes a way.

I know that I could not have made it in my life without the Lord. I know that I would not be where I am today, nor would I be who I am today without Him. So yes, I am joyful in all circumstances. After all, I've been washed by the water!

* All of my life, in every season, You are still God, and I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship * - Hillsong United